She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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