Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
