i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
