My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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