saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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