matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
