I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
