Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
