Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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