she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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