she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
