Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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