his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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