I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
