dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
too bad you live with your parents still
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
