Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
