She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
