She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
