I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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