i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
