mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
