I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
