mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
