I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
