The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My life is pants optional.
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