I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
