When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
