all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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