Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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