id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
