He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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