Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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