When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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