she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
