I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
