Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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