I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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