My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you never un-have a 4some
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
