Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
