OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I want her autograph on my taint
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
