New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Are my feet made of real feet?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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