The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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