Im at strip club and am horny
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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