Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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