I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
