the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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