If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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