whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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