I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
