you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
