and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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