he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
false alarm, still single
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