i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize