We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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