Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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