I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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