Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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