i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
